During the Spring, I had been thinking: "Hmm. I finish paying alimony to Chaz at the end of this year, how will I now use that money? (Answer: Restoring the portion of my pension he took when he left.)
But more importantly, how will I celebrate the completion of this most unpleasant financial obligation? I contemplated a vacation. Nah. Juvederm injections? Lol. A silent retreat? Not gonna happen! Nothing I considered seemed meaningful enough, so I placed the thought in my inner meditation room and went about my business.
In early June, I returned to the East Coast Love Nest for two weeks to hang out with Buddy and to meet The Baby Danielle. I had a wonderful, loving time. Never checked my home phone for messages while I was away. (I don't rely heavily on my cell phone because I don't like being available 24/7.)
When I arrived back home, there was a message stating that the owners of the condo in which I lived planned to return to Santa Cruz and wanted to move back in their home. (A sign of the economic times.) I had six weeks to find a new place.
I call this phenomenon the Big Cosmic Push. You're moving through life fairly smoothly, finding some joy in every day, tolerating the irritations, when WHAM! Life punches you in the face "outta nowhere." That's what happened five years ago when Chaz announced, eight weeks after having back surgery, that he no longer wanted to be married and would be leaving in three days. I remember I felt like I had been hit by a car going 60 miles-an-hour. For months, I felt like I was moving zombie-like through big wads of wet gauze, unable to see or feel even an inch ahead of me.
Then one day, I was aimlessly flipping through channels, when I stopped on a rerun of ER. Two doctors were sitting on a bench outside of the hospital. They were discussing one doctor's problem when her companion turned to her and said: "What if this didn't happen to you? What if it happened for you?"
That's an enlightening way of re-framing things. It presents the option of feeling victimized by life or choosing to acknowledge there might be an omniscient being--the big cosmic pusher--working on your behalf. I have since tried to practice that perspective in all of my affairs--even when I couldn't see up ahead.
This time around, I recognized the BCP quickly. Having to uproot and move to a new space, well, its happening for me, not to me. And it is the kind of demarcation I need as a sign post for this major transition. I'm actually moving from the place I had once inhabited with Chaz. Its about time.
So, as the final firecrackers send their colorful sparks into the sky, I'm celebrating the next phase of my life!
On this 4th of July, I am tempted to say: "Free at last, free at last."
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