12 Communication Resolutions for the New Year

Alone, all alone,
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
-- Maya Angelou

A large percent of our New Year's resolutions revolve around improving physical health: "This year I will lose weight." "I'm finally going to stop smoking." "Tomorrow, I am going to join a health club and exercise three times a week." These are all admirable goals, but for a moment, I would like to focus on the health of our interpersonal relationships.


For those of you who intend to improve your relationships with loved ones, may I offer twelve specific communication goals. (Try one a week or one a month.)


1.  Be the first to listen. Listen with interest, listen without interrupting, listen without thinking about how you would like to respond. Listen with the purpose of gaining greater insight into your loved one.


2.  Practice the skill of validation. This is one verbal skill connected to effective listening. It entails acknowledging another's feelings without judgment. "I can hear you are disappointed with me." "I feel your sadness." "I see you are frustrated with your boss."


3. Give your undivided attention to the person with whom you are communicating. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give. This year, declare that multitasking is out and committed, focused attention is in when it comes to your relationships. Avoid trying to do other things when you are listening and talking with a significant other, especially your children.


4. Own your own feelings rather than blame others for what you feel. It sounds like this: "I feel angry when..." versus "You make me feel..." An accurate expression of an emotion just takes three words: "I feel
(name the feeling.) One reason we have difficulty identifying our emotions is because we have a limited feeling vocabulary. Maybe this is your year to expand yours. Additionally, it is sad to say that many of us would rather attack, blame, and guilt-trip than take responsibility for our own emotions.


5. Rather than label others, factually describe behavior instead. Here is an example: Instead of labeling your partner as "cheap," you might say: "I noticed the last three times we went out to dinner, I paid the tab. I would appreciate it if you would pay for dinner when we go out on Friday."

6. When you find the volume of your voice is rising and your rate of speech is increasing, pause, slow down, and whisper. Accept no excuses. "I can't help myself. That's just what happens when I get upset," is a way of rationalizing impolite behavior. Self-control is a virtue.


7.  Replace the word "should" with the phrase "I would like," or "I could." "You should get home earlier in the evening" becomes "I would like you to come home earlier in the evening." "I should have done better on my math test," becomes "I could have done better."


8. Stop commanding and ordering; rather, make requests. Do you know what distinguishes an order from any other type of statement? When you start a sentence with a verb, you are ordering. "Stop pouncing on me the minute I walk into the house" can become "When I arrive home from work, I need some quiet time to decompress. Can you give me 15-minutes of alone time before you start telling me about your day?"


9. Daily express appreciation and gratitude to those with whom you share your life. Being polite and courteous goes a long way in valuing and honoring others. "I appreciate that you did the grocery shopping today." "Thanks, Honey, for doing the dishes (bathing the baby, buying take-out for dinner.)"
 
10. Celebrate! No matter what mood you are in, try your best to celebrate the accomplishments and joys of your loved ones.

And, now: Buddy's Bonus Resolutions

11.  Always warn your significant other when you are about to "poot" in public. Does this need further explanation?

12.  Take a chance on love. Follow your heart.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!