Monday, February 28, 2011

National Women's History Month: Maya Angelou Is Coming to Santa Cruz

Here is my fantasy: Someone has invited me to dine with Maya Angelou before she speaks here on Friday evening, March 18. Little 'Ole Me is going to share a meal with a national treasure and one of the great voices of contemporary literature. She is a poet, educator, historian, best-selling author, actress, playwright, civil-rights activist, producer and director. After having a delightful meal where she has regaled her guests with stories of her travels, I ask if I can tell a story about how one of her early poems saved my sanity. She smiles and nods yes, and then offer me a piece of her cheesecake.


"It was in the the late '70s, I was fresh out of Georgetown University and working as a public relations specialist for a major pharmaceutical corporation in New Jersey, not far from my home town.

"As Goddess would have it, I was the youngest member of the department, the only female, and the only African-American. I worked with five seasoned PR executives, and my supervisor, a young man named Paul, who had been with the company for about five years, and recently had been promoted from the position I was hired to fill.

"One of my major responsibilities included editing a weekly company magazine. On this particular summer day, I had written an article about American students who had just returned from traveling abroad as exchange students.

"The story caught my eye because I, too, had been an exchange student seven years earlier and I was eager to hear about the experiences of the two recent sojourners. One was an African-American young woman who had spent the year in Japan; the other a white male student who had lived in Mexico. Both had lived with families who had younger children. I can only imagine part of the reason the parents chose to be host families to American scholars was because they thought it would be an educational experience for their children, as well as for the exchange students.

"As it turned out, on this day, I was the one to get an education.

"I had received a packet of photographs from the exchange program and had no trouble picking the perfect one to accompany my piece. The photos of the young lady showed her dressed in Japanese attire (as was the rest of her host family) sitting on the floor around a low table, sharing a meal. The photos of the young man depicted him dressed in blue jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers standing in front of a little Mexican boy, who was on his knees polishing the American student's...sneakers. Polishing his sneakers, do you hear me? On his knees, as the student towered over him.

"I was flabbergasted that the exchange program would release a picture of a student in such an imperialistic pose. Without question, I chose the photo of the other student to represent the purpose and the spirit of exchange programs.

"I expected the PR men with whom I worked to see, as clearly as I did, that the picture of the male student was bad PR. I was not prepared for my supervisor to question my judgment. He did more than that. He told me that the picture I had chosen, the picture of an African-American young woman, could not represent an American exchange student living abroad. 'Readers might be confused about who is the American,' he said.

" 'How is that possible? Everybody else at the table is Japanese!' I tried logic. 'Who else could be the American?'

" 'Look at her. Look at her short hair,' he said, pounding her face in the photo with his scrawny finger. "She could be African. How can anyone tell she is American? Use the picture of the other student,' he ordered.

"Dizzy. I tell you no lie. I felt dizzy...and nauseous. I had just received a heavy blow to my stomach, a slap to the face. My eyes began to sting, as I ran out of the conference room to the ladies room. The tears began to flow just as I slipped into the stall.

"Had this jerk just told me that a black student could not represent America? Had he really just implied that a black woman's hair wasn't representative of the good 'ole US of A? Was he really saying that a picture of a blond-haired blue-eyed boy was more representative, even if he was having a Mexican child polish his shoes?

"Was he telling me that I could not represent my country on any other soil? Was he saying my experience in Denmark was not legit? Was this really coming from a man of my generation, born and raised in the north, just like me?

"Had I spend six years of my education integrating an all white private girls' school to confront this kind of bigotry in my first corporate job? Had I spent four years of college at Georgetown, fighting for recognition in a school that had only begun to accept women just a few years earlier, to listen to this man dismiss my experiences, and this young black teenager's experiences, as not being symbolic of America?

"I dried my tears, recovered my composure, reapplied my lipstick, and returned to the conference room ready to reason.

"I casually explained that when I lived in Denmark, I had a boyfriend, Uffe, who was tall, thin, blond, and blue-eyed, and looked very much like the exchange student in question.

" 'This guy could be Danish, for all I know. How would anyone who has traveled to Scandinavia know whether he was Danish, Norwegian, Swedish, or...American? Besides, what sense does it make to have your sneakers shined? Do we really want him depicting American intelligence? This picture could quite possibly work if the young man had been wearing shoes...leather shoes that might have needed polishing. But this? This is a disgrace.

" 'Believe me. I was an exchange student. If we publish this picture in our magazine, it will be an embarrassment to all involved. Better that our readers have to pause to figure out that blacks, in this New Day, can represent America, than to use that condescending photo."

"I used the same argument as Paul and I sat across from the Director of Public Relations later that afternoon. Clearly Paul and I did not see eye to eye, but I prevailed.

"I have never, in 35 years, come that close to losing it in my workplace. Of course, I was young, naive, and on that day overwhelmed by the ignorance of the man to whom I reported. It would not be the last time I would confront racism so blatantly in the workplace. But it was the first time. And the first time always hurts the most.

"That evening, I went to a local bookstore and discovered your recently released book of poems, in a yellow jacket cover, entitled: Still I Rise. It saved my sanity that summer as I mourned the loss of my innocence. Until that summer, I believed that my education and background had prepared me to compete in any arena. Now I knew others may not perceive me as I did.

"I framed this poem over 30 years ago and it has adorned every office I have had the fortune to occupy."

Dear Readers, if you are not familiar with this "anthem," read on, read on. Right on. Right on.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Thank you, Mother Maya, you saved my mind.

Dear Readers: What are your favorite Maya Angelou quotes or poems? Click on the comment section and let us know.

Monday, February 21, 2011

A Second Chance at Love

You might call us old school because our selection of romantic songs predates the 2000's, but who can deny the soulfulness of this song, Don't Know Much, But I Know I Love You, made popular by Linda Rondstadt and Aaron Neville in the late '80s. (Click on the You Tube video below.) It works for these boomers--the second time around.

Look at this face,
I know the years are showing,
Look at this life,
I still don't know where it's going.

Chorus:
I don't know much,
But I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know.

Look at these eyes,
They never see what matters,
Look at these dreams,
So beaten and so battered.

Chorus:
I don't know much,
But I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know.

So many questions still left unanswered,
So much I've never broken through,
And when I feel you near me,
Sometimes I see so clearly,
The only truth I've ever known,
Is me and you.

Look at this man,
So blessed with inspiration,
Look at this soul,
Still searching for salvation.

Chorus x3:
I don't know much,
But I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know.


Monday, February 14, 2011

I'm Baaack!


After a self-imposed hiatus that extended a bit too long, I am delighted to say: "I'm Back." Boy have I missed writing to you. It has been an entire year since we've been together at My Seat on the Beach, and we've got a lot of reconnecting to do. I have missed the dialogues between my readers (Mimi, Buddy, Brad, Jevon, Maggie and Lou, especially) and I hope to meet even more blog buddies.

Let me fill you in on a few of my writing projects:

1) Aside from this blog, I am writing a memoir about coming-of-age while living over my Dad's Funeral Home. Any of my readers who have memories of that time of our lives, please, please click the Post a Comment line at the end of this blog post and give a holla. All my other readers who may be curious about the experience, please send me your questions via the Comment section.

2) You have been introduced to Buddy, Mookie, and FuBu--my family, and of course, I'll be writing about them. Many of you enjoyed reading Buddy's previous remarks in the Comment section so I hope you will tune in. He says he may write again. I just remembered, I never posted our wedding pictures. Next week. Stay tuned. (If I can figure out how to upload them.)

3) I have been teaching Communication Studies at Bay Area colleges for over 20 years now, so I am going to try my hand at writing communication articles for publication. I'll post some here for your feedback first.

4) I have been learning more (through trial and error) about how to live, work, and play with fibromyalgia. I definitely want to create a discussion with blog readers about living with chronic pain so I can write about those challenges.

As you can see, I have ambitious writing plans for this year. I hope you will join me regularly at My Seat on the Beach. (Just click on the Follower and/or Subscribe section on the right side of the blog.)

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A Poem for My East Coast Clan


(I recently read this poem in one of our local weekly newspapers and immediately thought of my east coast family and friends.)
Santa Cruz Has Everything --But You

Here are mountains--wondrous mountains--
with a thousand tones of green;
Here are canyons--deep, dark gorges--
Lending myst'ry to the scene:
Here are crooked trains a-winding
Up and over through the view--
Santa Cruz has everything--
Everything, but you!






Here's the ocean--placid ocean--
With its emerald-tinted bay:
Here are breakers--mighty breakers--
Sending heavenward their spray;
Here is boating, here is fishing,
Here are abalones, too--
San Cruz has everything--
Everything, but you!









Here are flowers--gorgeous flowers--
Blooms that cheer us all year long;
Here are fruits from every climate,
In a land of smiles and song;
Here are big trees--giant redwoods--
Older than Assyria's Jew;
Santa Cruz has everything--
Everything but you!






Here the cold winds--icy winter--
Finds no place to lay its head;
Here the hot winds--sultry summer--
Leaves a cooling breeze instead:
Then comes longing--silent longing--
When the sky's a golden hue;
Seems like here there's everything--
Everything, but you!
--Frank R. Bretlinger

Friday, December 18, 2009

Ba-ba-ba-buddy and the Cats



For the past three months, Mookie and FuBu have been trying to acclimate themselves to Buddy's presence in their space.


It hasn't been an easy transition.
Not for cats.
Not for Man!



My cats are born and bred Californians where animals are called "pet companions," the humans they live with are called "pet guardians," and we all live together as one big, happy family. Buddy is from
"Get-those-d_mn-cats-off-the-f_cking-table" Land where humans reign supreme and animals stay on the floor.

Buddy has never lived with felines.
He does not understand that they must climb high, like on top of the bookcases, to survey the condo, which, as far as they are concern, is their domain.

He does not understand that any bare flat surface, be it the bed, his desk, or the dining room table is an invitation to Mookie and FuBu to sprawl out and take a nap.

The cats don't understand the declaration: "I'm the man of the house!"

So...Buddy has created a "No Gatos" sign that now hangs on the bedroom door.
He closes the office door tightly to keep Mookie and FuBu out.
He checks under the bed every night to be sure neither one of the furry critters
has snuck in the room under his watch.

Even though the man of the house has redefined my pet companions' territory,
they are all learning how to get along.

He feeds them every morning and they have ceded the table.









Monday, October 19, 2009

Late October (poem by Maya Angelou)


Carefully
the leaves of autumn
sprinkle down the tinny
sound of little dyings
and skies sated
of ruddy sunsets
of roseate dawns
roil ceaselessly in
cobweb greys and turn
to black
for comfort.

Only lovers
see the fall
a signal end to endings
a gruffish gesture alerting
those who will not be alarmed
that we begin to stop
in order to begin
again.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Everybody's Business


Today marks the beginning of Domestic Violence Awareness month. In the face of a 30 percent increase of reported domestic violence incidences across the country, our California governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has seen fit to veto all state funding for Domestic Violence programs.

This action involves a line item veto of the Department of Public Health's Domestic Violence Program, which provided $20.4 million for 94 domestic violence centers and shelters. Services provided by these agencies also include legal advocacy, transitional housing, assistance with restraining orders, counseling, hotlines, and other vital support services.

How can we ignore what amounts to domestic terrorism? In a recent Huffington Post article, Eve Ensler, author of "The Vagina Monologues," reports that already in the past seven months of this year five men in California have killed their families and themselves. And, one hotline in Contra Costa County, CA, received triple the normal number of calls in the first seven months of this year.

In these difficult economic times, we are seeing a rise in domestic violence and a reduction in support of programs that provide advocacy for the victims. We cannot turn a blind eye to this. Let's learn more about Teen Age Dating Abuse, Intimate Partner Abuse, Elder Abuse, Sibling Abuse, the Domestic Violence Cycle, and the signs of a potentially abusive mate during this month.

Contrary to the popular belief that "what goes on behind closed doors, should stay behind closed doors," domestic violence in this country is everybody's business.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Clothed in Glory


School has started, the monarch butterflies have returned, Fall has arrived in all her glory, the Farmers' Markets are bursting with the fruit of the local harvest, and Buddy completed his east-coast to west-coast drive yesterday. He drove through 11 states, none the worse for the wear.

This is a great time of year for Buddy's relocation. Autumn is his favorite season. Here in Santa Cruz, early fall is our summer. We have our best weather in September and October.

'Tis the season of change, a time of transition; 'tis the season of abundance, and a time of dying and letting go.

'Tis the season for YaYa and Buddy to start the
ir lives together.

*************************************************************************************************

Afterword: Last week, I asked readers to submit their favorite travel songs. My friend Sherry submitted a list, among them: "Get Here If You Can" by Oleta Adams. How could I have forgotten that one? Here are the lyrics. (My sentiments exactly.)

Get Here If You Can

You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just- get here if you can.

You can reach me by sailboat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt, cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here, just- get here if you can.

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, then surely you would be closer
I need you closer.

(interlude, then repeat bridge)

You can windsurf into my life, take me up on a carpet ride
You can make it in a big balloon, but you better make it soon
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just- get here if you can.

I don't care, I don't care, I need you right here right now.

I need you right here, right now, right by my side (yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah).

I don't care how you get here, just- get here if you can.

Thanks, Sherry.






Monday, September 14, 2009

Road Trip, Road Songs

In less than 36 hours, Buddy will start his cross country trip to California... home, to me, to our new future. We are getting married in November; in the interim, we will be setting up our home in Santa Cruz.

As with most things we do, songs come to mind. Road trip songs. Here are the ones that we've thought of so far:

1.  "Do You Know the Way to San Jose"
2.  "Are You Going to San Francisco"
3.  "Homeward Bound"
4.  "Cruisin"
5.  "Keep On Truckin'"
6.  "On the Road Again"
7.  "The Long and Winding Road"
8.  "California Dreamin'"
9. "Walk On"
10. "Wichita Line Man"
11.  "Rollin' Down the River"
12. "Take Me Home, Country Road"
13. "Born to Be Wild"
14. "Come On and Take a Free Ride"
15. "Riding with the King"
16. "Hit the Road Jack"

These titles date us, I realize. We are looking for more current travel songs. If you think of any, please send them to us in the comment section of this blog piece, or email me.

Monday, September 7, 2009

We Came, We Saw, We Celebrated-Part 2



My parents recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary with family and friends. I did not do justice photographing the scope of the event (the camera's battery died and I did not have the battery charger with me) but this one picture captures the essence of Meadie-Peadie and MarionBelle: my mother, ever the lady, and my father, the consummate jokester.





Mommy, my brother John Paul, and friend, Harold.















My sister Tonia (right) and her BBF, Yvonne.











John Paul's son, John Paul, Jr.














Cousin Kenny (left) shares the coveted grilling duties with Buddy (below).




My brother Dutch (Meade Vernon, Jr.), sportin' a hat, just like Meadie-Peadie, and cousin Ronnie and his wife, LaVerne.






Cousin Connie, her mom. Sara, and her husband Bill. Connie brought with her a recently researched family tree of my paternal grandfather's side of the family, and gave us all an opportunity to make corrections.













Tonia's son (and my Godson) Montae, Jr.





Buddy and my cousin Marion enjoy themselves while sharing
meat-slicing duties in the kitchen.











 We have so few sibling photographs.
This is a great one of John Paul and me.










Here is a picture with me, my parents, and John Paul's dog, Paige!









It is a rare occasion when Tonia, who lives in Los Angeles, CA, and I, who lives in Santa Cruz, CA are able to visit my parents at the same time. (Notice MarionBelle, agog in the background.)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

We Came, We Saw, We Celebrated

Neither rain, nor mud, nor heat, nor humidity, deterred 90 people from celebrating my parents' 60th wedding anniversary party this past Saturday.

I don't have pictures, yet, but when I do, I will post a few. In the meantime, here is one of the tribute letters to my great parents:



Happy Anniversary Meadie-Peadie and MarionBelle:

There is a popular saying that the only consistent thing in life is change, but whoever said it didn't know Meade Vernon and Marion Cecelia Rowe. For me and many more people within your realm of influence, you have been the most consistent element in our lives.

It is because of your 60-year commitment and devotion to each other, your children, and your community that so many of us can gather here today to say thank you for your caring, compassion, faith, humor, and wisdom.

Who among us could forget the Meadisms that prepared us for life. Sage words like:

1) "Money don't grow on trees."
2) "You can please some of the people some of the time; none of the people none of the time. But you will never please all of the people all of the time."
3) "This too shall pass."
4) "You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip."
5) "When your 18, you're on your own."

Or how about Daddy's wise sayings that helped us learn to set boundaries:

1) "My name is Bennett and I ain't in it." Or
2) "My name's Bess and this ain't my mess!"

And didn't we all believe Mommy when she said:

1) "I've got eyes behind my back." Or
2) "What you do in the Dark will come out in the Light!"

Haven't we all been inspired by Mommy's faith:

1) "Where there is a will, there is a way."
2) "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."
3) "But for the grace of God, there go I."
4) "We walk by faith, not by sight."
5) "God can do any thing but fail."
6) "Hold on to God's unchanging hand."

You have led not only by word, but foremost by example. In your offspring, you have planted the seeds and continually watered the seeds, and today, I hope you can see the fruit of your love and labor.

Happy Anniversary, Mommy and Daddy. Peace, Love, and Joy, YaYa

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Time to Play







We don't stop playing
because we grow old;
we grow old
because we stop playing.
--George Bernard Shaw







I'm on vacation with Buddy. I'll be back on Monday, August 24, 2009.




Monday, August 3, 2009

Learning to Let Go

G.K. Chesterton once wrote: "Angels fly because they take themselves lightly." If that's true, I recently decided, I'd better start letting go of some stuff or I'm never going to earn my wings.

So, in good faith, I packed 30 grocery bags of books and magazines this summer and donated them to the library. It was not easy. In fact it was excrutiating. I am from the "you-can-tell-a-lot-about-a-person-from-her-bookshelves" school of thought, and had amassed a library to represent me.

I lamented over every title: from a book of Christopher Robin's prayers to a copy of E.B. White's Charlotte's Web; from Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice to Alice Walker's The Color Purple; from John Gray's Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus to Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which I've never read, by the way. But I planned to.

Just like I planned to put six shoe boxes of photos into albums, organize my cassettes in alphabetical order, paint my toenails--10 different colors; make homemade granola and yogurt, sew a quilt from old pairs of blue jeans, feng shui every room in my home, earn an advanced degree in at least two more subjects, and earn a million dollars before I retire.

All well-intentioned plans; all out-dated. This is what I discovered as I cleared my book shelves. I am surrounded by stuff that screams "Do me, do me, do me;" none of which I am motivated to accomplish because they represent former versions of myself. Its akin to holding onto size eight clothes when you know damn well the closest to an eight you will ever get again is your shoe size.

So now the boxes of photos have been winnowed down to two; the cassettes have been dumped; not so difficult to do when I realized I no longer own a cassette player and doubt that they are manfuctured any longer. If I paint my nails once a year I am lucky, and trying to reach my toenails is a strain, anyway, so I trashed the nail polish. Why bother making homemade yogurt when I don't like the taste of it? Afterall, its not like its chocolate pudding! The homemade yogurt maker went to the Goodwill along with the seven pairs of jeans. A blue jean quilt? What was I thinking?

I don't need to feng shui my house, I just need to simplify my surroundings.

I have enough academic degrees. I don't need to know more, I'd rather feel more.

A million dollars? Don't foresee me earning it, but I am open, open, open to receiving it from unexpected income streams. Of course, I would be willing to share. That's the only way I could travel lightly.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Morning Meditation

The 23 Psalms (Bobby McFerrin's version)


The Lord is my Shepard, I have all I need,
She makes me lie down in green meadows,
Beside the still waters, She will lead.

She restores my soul, She rights my wrongs,
She leads me in a path of good things,
And fills my heart with songs.

Even though I walk, through a dark and dreary land,
There is nothing that can shake me,
She has said She won't forsake me,
I'm in her hand.

She sets a table before me, in the presence of my foes,
She anoints my head with oil,
And my cup overflows.

Surely, surely goodness and kindness will follow me,
All the days of my life,
And I will live in her house,
Forever, forever and ever.

Glory be to our Mother, and Daughter,
And to the Holy of Holies,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
World, without end. Amen

Monday, July 20, 2009

I'm 55; I've Been Revived



When I was three, I could perform the "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" song.


When I was four, I could position my feet behind my head.










When I was six, I could swirl my hips and send a Hula Hoop spinning.


When I was seven, I could pat my head and rub my tummy.






By the time I was 33, I had trouble doing jumping jacks.





By  35, I couldn't learn how to do the Electric Slide.




By 40, I couldn't touch my hands to the floor.




So why, at 55, do I think I can learn how to hula?

Cuz, I'm 55 
and I've been revived. 

And, nobody has told the little girl in me, whom I've recently discovered is still very much alive, that she can't.



  

Nobody, that is, until I took a hula class earlier this month, then my own critical voice starting blaring: "Who do you think your are? Are you crazy?" 

The first time I saw hula danced it was at the ocean's edge at the beach near my home. There was a man turned toward the horizon, his legs moving like the waves of the ocean, his hands motioning in prayer. I was mesmerized. This was nothing like the hula depicted in Elvis Presley movies

This was praise. This was prayer. This was love in liquid motion. I want to learn how to move like that! I went home and put "Learn to hula" on my "Things I Want To Do Before I Die" list.

Now, 15 months later, I'm embarking on lessons. In four months, I want to be able to hula for my hubby. Even if its only a three-minute hula. Buddy is thrilled. I am humbled. 

My Writing Sister, Salle, who also hulas, recently emailed me to ask how did I feel while dancing. I wrote back: "To my dismay my hips won't sway."

Yet.

Stay tuned!














 

Sunday, July 12, 2009

An Auspicious Occasion: The In-Laws Hug and Mug


You may find this hard to believe, but I actually missed the day my parents, Vernon and Marion, and Buddy's mom, Elly, met.

It was just recently--Friday, July 3.

I was here in California teaching summer school, when my future mother-in-law, Elly, and sister-in-law, Lynda, were traveling through New Jersey where both Buddy and my parents live.

I could not be there, but Buddy proudly made the introductions. I sent MarionBelle a picture of my wedding dress to share with my new mom and sister. Buddy showed our families my wedding band. I was on the speaker phone for all of the "oohs and aahhs" and for Buddy's toast to the coming together of our families.





Here, Elly, my younger sister, Paula, and Buddy's sister, Lynda, pose for a picture. Lynda e-mailed this week to tell me Paula was "the hostess with the mostest," serving iced tea and cheesecake to everyone.  (Prosecco was served for the toasts.) 





 Elly looks on while Buddy and my father rib each other. Lynda says she love the way my dad "busts Buddy's chops!" Buddy loves it!










Ah, my Buddy-La in between our two mothers. Aren't they beautiful? I really want to tell you their age, but I haven't asked their permission. You could never guess.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Date We Mate

Time sure flies when you are planning nuptials.

Recently, Buddy and I discovered that we had not updated all of our friends and family on our wedding plans. Our original wedding scenario involved getting married in October 2010 on a golf course in Ft. Myer, Florida.

Our plans soon changed as we discussed the logistics of me trying to plan an east coast wedding from the west coast, and the challenge of getting both east coast friends and family, and west coast friends and family all together in one place to celebrate with us. My fibro started flaring up just at the thought of it.

That was a sticking point until we realized that hosting an intimate gathering in both places (California and New Jersey), some time after a private wedding, would be ideal. We liked this idea so much that it liberated us to think more creatively about our ceremony.

You know what that means...barefoot on the beach. Romantic! We have chosen to... I can't write the word. (I don't like the word.) It starts with an E, except its not really the "E-word" because its not a last minute plan and its not coming to you as a surprise; its just a less stressful approach than Plan A. 

With a slight shift of perspective, we are now planning a vacation with the awesome addition of taking wedding vows while there, rather than planning a wedding production.That suits us both quite well.

So here are the specifics: 

When: Friday, November 27, 2009. Yes, we chose this date, the day after Thanksgiving, because it
underscores how we feel about our union--ever so grateful. It is, coincidentally, the wedding anniversary date of Buddy's parents, who were married for 61 years! That makes our choice extra special.

Where: On the beach in lush Kauai, Hawaii. (I have picked a flowy chiffon dress, perfect for the beach. We are hooking up Buddy's wedding outfit as I write. Think: linen.)

Time:  10:00 am

Keep us in your prayers!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Dinner Time and the Living is Easy

These are my parents: Vernon and Marion, also known as Meadie Peadie and Marion Belle, M&M, and Pop-Pop and Grammie.

When I visited New Jersey last month, Buddy and I had a real treat. We prepared dinner for my father's 85th birthday.

 Wearing white aprons, we set the dining room table, Buddy prepared an antipasto, I poured the champagne, and they sat, relaxed, and let us serve them.

Here they are, satiated, after a meal of chicken and mushrooms in a butter/wine sauce, roasted asparagus and roasted garlic, and a strawberry, chocolate and freshly-whipped cream parfait.

The next time Buddy and I will have this pleasure will be in August when my parents celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. That's right: 60 years!

I would love to hear from any readers who have known my parents during this time. What do you remember about the effervescent M&M?



Monday, June 1, 2009

What Happens When the Caretaker Needs Care?

(This blog piece is the third in a series on fibromyalgia.)

Raised in the tradition of "the strong Black woman," it took me 50-odd years to learn how to be gentle with myself. Had I not been floored by fibromyalgia, who knows when, or if ever, I would have learned to listen to and respect the needs of my body.

For 25 years I dealt with chronic insomnia, migraine headaches, muscle spasms, and debilitating exhaustion and depression, harshly criticizing myself for not being hardy enough to cope with the demands of life.

So, what did I do to address the mess that had become my life? What any self-flagellating martyr would do...add more stress!

In 2000, when my former, visually-impaired husband, Chaz, unexpectedly lost his job as the result of the dot-com bust, I volunteered to support us both while he re-tooled. We cut out all the fluff from our budget, I added more classes to my teaching load, and he returned to school to become a massage therapist.

Two years later, at the end of his studies, Chaz developed sciatica, the result of a bulging disk, and discovered he had spinal stenosis. So on top of his visual impairment, he developed a mobility disability. We struggled for four more years on one income, while Chaz, who wanted to avoid surgery, tried many methods of mitigating his back pain, to no avail.

In the meantime, I was functioning on fumes, barely getting through the work week before completely falling apart on the week-end. My therapist, at the time, gently but firmly urged me to take a stress management course offered through my HMO. I resisted, insisting that I did not have the time, nor the energy. Rosemary insisted that I could not afford not to spend the time and energy to learn how to sustain myself.

Thank God/dess for Rosemary who cared about my well-being when I was only caring for Chaz.

I enrolled in an eight-week mindfulness course offered through Kaiser Permanente. The program was based on the book by by John Kabat-Zinn, entitled Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. (Kabat-Zinn is the founder and former Executive Director of the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. He is also the founder (1979) and former director of its renowned Stress Reduction Clinic and Professor of Medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School.)

Through the program, I was reintroduced to yoga, t'ai chi and meditation, disciplines I had practiced earlier in my life because they were "cool." Now, I practiced them because they were the only methods that helped me to manage the insomnia, pain, depression, and the anxiety I was experiencing as I struggled to keep our marriage emotionally and financially above water.

Soon after taking the mindfulness course, my therapist added a psychiatrist to my medical team. He prescribed an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) to help with the depression. Next, he added a tricyclic antidepressant, which when taken at bedtime in dosages lower than those used to treat depression, can help promote restorative sleep in people with fibromyalgia. At that time, I had not yet been diagnosed with fibromyalgia; rather, we were treating symptoms without knowing the cause. Tricyclic antidepressants also can relax painful muscles and heighten the effects of endorphins, the body's natural pain-killing substances.

Finally, the doctor prescribed Gabapentin (Neurontin), a medication originallydesigned to treat epilepsy that was often used to reduce certain types of pain.

Chaz Departs, YaYa Starts (Taking Better Care of Herself)

In June of 2006, Chaz finally submitted to back surgery, and I looked forward to a time of repair, rejuvenation, renewal--for both of our bodies and our marriage. But my optimism was short-lived. In early August, barely able to walk without the assistance of a cane, Chaz announced he was leaving the marriage. And he packed and was gone within a week!

There was no looking back. Chaz did not want to seek couple's counseling nor pastoral counseling, he did not want a trial separation. He no longer wanted to be married. He offered this frail explanation: "I can hardly take care of myself much less you!"

I was floored. I was flummoxed. I was flabbergasted! And, not by my own volition, I was suddenly refocused. "Now," my wonderfully maternal therapist told me, "I want you to take all the love, care, and compassion that you have devoted to Chaz all these years, and devote it to your own well-being."

Doing so has not been as easy as swallowing a handful of pills, but it has been the gift of my chronic condition. In the ensuing year, I discovered that all the medications the doctor had prescribed were used to treat the symptoms of fibromyalgia, an ailment that no one in the medical profession had mentioned as a possible cause of all of my symptoms.

In the past two years, I have learned an important lesson about caring for my illness: no one is going to advocate for my well-being better than me. I had to insist that my primary care doctor look at my medical records over the past two decades and see the connection between my symptoms. In truth, I had to educate him about fibromyalgia!

Today, I know I need 8-10 hours of sleep in order to function effectively so I guard my sleep time with a vengeance. Along with drugs, yoga, and meditation, and meting out my energy very carefully, I stretch three to five times a day, walk regularly, participate in water aerobics (irregularly), receive massages--when I can afford them, sit in the sun daily, and enjoy the loving touch of a caring partner. (More about that next week.)

Monday, May 25, 2009

Frankly, I Don't Give A *$%!!

I recently found myself in the awkward position of trying to explain to someone near and dear to me why it was I was unwilling to commit to an engagement three weeks ahead of time. She would not accept my "no" but rather adamantly advanced her agenda--that of getting me to attend a meeting "that would change my life for the better."

Clearly she was not listening to me, hell-bent on racking up points for netting a new member for her organization du jour. But in all fairness, I accept some of the responsibility for our frustrating conversation. Perhaps I was not speaking clearly. Maybe I was being too diplomatic. But in all honesty, I was afraid to out myself as a fibromyalgia sufferer.

I was too embarrassed to admit that I function on finite energy and when all the energy I have on any given day is spent, I have no reserve from which to borrow. I was too much of a coward to acknowledge that the daily pain with which I live requires my best energy to manage. I was too proud to acknowledge that the overachieving, success-driven, self-actualizing woman she once knew had retired her superwoman tights and cape long ago. Now my favorite outfits consist of silk pajamas, fuzzy slippers, and a heating pad.

I didn't tell her that I'd rather spend time listening to birds sing or the ocean roar than listening to a motivational speaker pump up an audience; that I'd much rather spend a quiet evening laughing and talking with her than sharing the details of my life with a bunch of people I do not know. I did not tell her, "Frankly, I'm not looking for new friends, new projects, or new inspiration," though I wish I had.

Indeed, I wish I had told her,"If you really want to help improve my life, come on over and finish bringing in the groceries from my car. Better yet, offer to go grocery shopping for me!
Take the overdue books back to the library. Maybe you could bend down and pick up the shells that FuBu knocked off my desk. Would you be willing to brush Mookie's coat? How about vacuuming the carpet for me? You want to help improve my life? Gift me with a weekly maasage for a month. I'm pretty sure that would provide a tangible improvement to the quality of my life."

At 3:00 in the morning, I regretted that I had not said any of those things. But in the light of the day, I realized: Why expend the energy? She wasn't listening anyway.